Grieving doesn’t seem to be getting easier. It is hard work. It is vulnerability. It is wearing one’s skeleton on the outside. It is stretching so thin that the God light can shine through—in and out, back and forth. It is like birds made of paper and water running through split fingers. It is hills and valleys, plains and mountains, oceans and deserts. And mostly it just is….
The final week of preparations for Bettina’s memorial are underway. There are many people involved in this tribute, but I am most aware of my own shaky standing. I am ready and not at all ready. I hear the opening song…Listen God is Calling…and imagine carrying in the small bronze box of ashes…walking up to the altar and placing them there, just so, then sitting down with the remainder of my family. There will be beautiful and wondrous offerings of music, dance, poetry, scripture. There will be things said and done, but I am so tuned in to the remembrance I will give that I cannot get to sleep…cannot allow sleep to come. I will read the words I’ve written. Listen: This is who she was to me. I will do this wholly and partly awake and asleep, for the pain of it is unbearable even as I think about it.
Grieving is not easy, friends. It’s not something to just get over because when you lose someone important to your life, your life changes forever. We are never the same after grief has visited us.
God will grant me grace. God’s Jesus Spirit will cover us all and she will be hovering, just like she promised. It will be wonderful and terrible all at the same time. I will be closer to my sister I lost last year because now I have lost a daughter just as she did fifteen years ago. It won’t just be cancer that we have in common or the same set of relatives. I am unable to catch the words as they tumble through my solar plexus.
Just a word to all who want to offer help and condolence
to one who grieves: Asking that person, “How are you?” may seem reasonable to you, but it is difficult for the grieving person to give an honest answer. There is no reliable way to answer, so just tell that person you are glad to them. Let that person know that they are loved and cared about. What a grieving person wants is support and understanding. They are experiencing loss and loss hurts in very personal ways. Something has ended. Time is a friend friends can give.
—Naomi
Dear Korin,
I have been thinking of you a great deal during these few weeks. My sadness over Bettina’s death is intense so I can only imagine the sadness you feel. I think of how beautiful she was in her soul, and how much she taught me about loving and living. Although I was not involved in you lives very much this past year, you have continually been in my thoughts and prayers. As we live out this Easter season, I will think of the Bettina who is with our Risen God and has shown us all how to love more fully. I will be holding you and your mother and Judy in my prayers and thoughts continually.
Love,
Darla
Thank you, Darla, for your kindness. I appreciate what you say about Bettina at this Easter time, that is comforting to me. Bettina and I always liked you a lot and enjoyed hearing about your fight for social justice — she would say, keep on fighting, sister! Blessings to you and thank you for your prayers. Love, Korin
We all cry with you, dear friend, a bit more aware of your deep sadness because you are so articulate and so willing to make yourself vulnerable in sharing bits and pieces of it with all of us. Your bravery in acknowledging deep, deep loss is a lesson to us all! When it seems impossible to face any more, think of us carrying it with you…
Thank you Janie, I will do that. I appreciate every hand held out and every kind word. It’s just the question: How are you? that challenges my composure. I don’t think the majority of folks would really want to know, so I say…”Good, I’m okay” and that is of course a diversion. I have joined the millions of souls who have tread this road before me. There are many things I simply don’t understand and am not planning to try.
We look for meaning and find none. The mystery is all there is. I ask Tina to make a place for me. I’m ready anytime.
Oh my dear sweet friend…I hadn’t even made the connection that you, like Florence, have now lost daughters to cancer. I can only grieve with you for this great loss.