Bettina had several goals to accomplish before she died. The final goal was giving the mediation at our church (Chicago Community Mennonite), on February 28th—the second Sunday of Lent. The overall Lenten theme this year was Holding on and Letting Go. The theme for the second week was Pilgrimage: Seeking Shelter (of God’s wings). This would be her last opportunity to share with others what she had been learning. That night, her strength began to give way and she her descent began in earnest. Bettina was a generous person. I think she would want to share these thoughts with all of you.
Meditation
Even in deep darkness, our sheltering God holds us. We release our grip on earthly things and open ourselves.
How fitting that I have the privilege to address you this particular Sunday—these meditations are scheduled far enough in advance that no one would have predicted just how fitting it might be for me to deliver this message today. We now know that I am looking at a short period of time before I get to cross over to see God, and I will literally release my grip on all earthly things and open myself completely to God.
I’ve learned a thing or two these past few weeks—one is that I can be very much alive, and yet gladly relinquish my earthly possessions, especially if it is as a way to get closer to God. I have had the blessing of time to get “my house in order,” and I’ve made arrangements to give away everything I own—my will is in order, and everything is set. I also gave up a job that I enjoyed, that facilitated a certain lifestyle; but, it really was not my perfect job. I had hoped to retire next year, and then start my perfect job doing mission work, which would have included riding around the country with Naomi and Judy in a peace van. I felt that if God did not have other plans for me, that would be a great way for me to live out my remaining days, serving others in his name. I bet you can picture the three of us in matching tie-dyed T-shirts and a big satellite dish on the top of the van so that we could access the internet from remote areas in the U.S.
What a dream gig. I now see that God has other plans for me.
I have spent a fair bit of these last few weeks in solitude, praying and asking God to help me find my way as I get ready to see him. God’s response has been to bless me with time and energy—so that I could say goodbye to many friends/colleagues, and make amends with friends at Lombard Mennonite Church and my family. Last week, I gave a sharing at LMC, and the focus of my sharing was on reconciliation. I apologized to the congregation for having left as abruptly as I had back in June, and they forgave me. The church apologized to me for the things they did that did not align with what God would have us do, and all was forgiven.
I had spent several nights worrying about how last Sunday would go, until I finally let go and prayed to God for help. After that, I had no more worries. Things went very well. As in Psalm 27, I saw goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I waited for the Lord, I was strong, I took heart, and I waited on the Lord. I felt God’s presence in the sanctuary at LMC last Sunday, as he held the pastor and me up. While I cannot speak for the pastor, I think he probably felt the same way. We had been given grace. God did not let us fall—he took care of us. And…we all shared in a time of peace and reconciliation.
During these past months, I have felt a change in me; a transformation if you will. I have felt a prescient need to follow Jesus in a way that I had not felt so urgently and deliberately before. I, like David in Psalm 27, have been praying that I may dwell in the house of the Lord for the rest of my days. I’m not really sure that I fully understand what it means to live in God’s house, but I see it as living in community with God, and walking with God each day. I know that God is in me, and I feel his presence more strongly each day.
As I read in Philippians, I kept thinking about how I no longer live for earthly things, how I cannot live without Christ, and how I cannot even imagine anyone living as an enemy of the cross of Christ. And…I know that I have changed. I think that this is partly because my time is near, and that God is actually doing the bulk of the work. He is carrying me, and all I see is our path. This seems logical because I am at my most vulnerable state, and I don’t feel that I am walking any path very well these days. As in Genesis, when God reminds Abram not to be afraid for God is his shield, his very great reward, I too, am reminded not to be afraid for God is my shield and my very great reward. Abram was such a faithful follower, and God rewarded him for his faithfulness. I pray that I can be a small fraction as faithful as Abram.
In Luke, as I think about Jesus telling the Pharisees, “I tell you, you will not see me again until you say, Blessed is he who comes in the name of the lord,” I realize that my greatest desire is to honor and serve God. Every day I ask God to help me understand how I can serve him today. This is every day. My sense is that for every day he gives me, I have a purpose, and that is to do his will. I have been spending as much of the little energy I have in trying to serve him. Every day it is something different, and I’m not sure that I am getting it right, but He knows that my heart is in the right place. I think that this is what he asks of us.
It’s not so difficult to let go of earthly things when we know the joy of pleasing our beloved Father…the joy he feels and the joy we feel when we get closer to him. He does not ask much of us, but he lovingly reminds us that worldly possessions are not filled with the Holy Spirit. In fact, earthly possessions get in the way of our relationship with him/her.
As I get ready to meet him, I find myself quietly distancing from the worldly things I know—they seem not to matter anymore. The only thing that is important to me is to let go of the things that don’t really matter, and hang on to that which does matter. This is an everyday adventure—trying to figure out where to focus my energy. The moment I stop trying so hard, and I open myself up to God, he lets me know. This is how I seem to manage to stay on our path. Sometimes he carries me, other times he holds my hands, and sometimes he just watches over me.
This gives me peace and tranquility—knowing that he is always with me. I cannot imagine going through my current experience without him.
Even in deep darkness, our sheltering God holds us. We release our grip on earthly things and open ourselves.
I’d like to close with my current favorite poem by the Sufi Master, Hafiz (c.1320-1389) from The Gift, translations by Daniel Ladinsky.
Everywhere.
Running
Through the streets
Screaming,
Throwing rocks through windows,
Using my own head to ring
Great bells,
Pulling out my hair,
Tearing off my clothes,
Tying everything I own
To a stick,
And setting it on
Fire.
What else can Hafiz do tonight
To celebrate the madness,
The joy,
Of seeing God
Everywhere!
Pastor, Megan Ramer assisting Bettina at the start of her meditation.
