Hovering

I don’t know if Bettina learned to hover in spirit as she’d planned. I can’t say. Bettina always had a way of being with you when she was with you and not when she was not. Even as close as I was to her, I can’t report it one way or the other. But I can say that I think of her everyday and find myself in and out of tunnels of grief more often than I’d expected.

This particular week has been without tunnels and it’s good to have emotional space from feelings of great loss. But I still have two or three boxes of her things to dispose of one way or another. Some things just need to be boxed up and sent to her siblings. Others just need a firm mind to keep, discard or distribute. Each category has stymied me as daily I pass by with recognition that I really must get on with this and vacate this section of studio floor, for this is where my grandchildren’s doll house will reside once it arrives.

Buried in one of these boxes are cards and children’s drawings made especially for Bettina in those last weeks. Children were a delight to her in her last days and weeks, and their gifts to her were special. She had them tacked up all over her room. One of her special little friends is already quite a fine artist—an innate gift to be sure.

This morning, as I sat down to the computer, my eyes rested on one of Jasmine’s drawings that apparently I’d set aside for some now unknown, future reference. Here it has been for months, right next to me, but buried under piles of stuff…you know what I mean by that, right? Stuff is what you have to get to…sometime in the near future, like bills, statements, letters, receipts, photocopies of things you thought important enough to save. I saw this drawing and I said YES! So am I little girl, so am I…

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